Dennis and Dee's Birthday
by hoagie
Summary: For the Reynolds twins their birthday is an annual event to be looked forward too. For the rest of gang its something to be avoided.(Dennis and Dee thing going on in this because its borderline cannon now.)
1. Shady

Given my chosen handle for fan fiction I really should write more for It's Always Sunny, but for some reason this show is really difficult to work with. Anyway this story revolves around the first episode from season nine, "The Gang Broke Dee." I don't know if I would call it required viewing but this will make alot more sense if you have seen it.

* * *

**Philadelphia, Pa**

**10:33 A.M**

"I don't know Dee, does this place really look like where a person of my prestige would celebrate the date of his birth?"

Dennis looked over the inside of Paddy's which had been decorated with balloons, streamers, confetti and a makeshift stage where the pool table usually sat. Overall the bar looked like it had been prepared for a child's birthday party and not an individual in his thirties.

"Don't you mean the date of _our_ birth?"

"What?" Dennis asked without even bothering to look at his sister as she approached him.

"Were twins you jackass. It's both of our birthdays."

Dennis finally looked away from the decorations and looked towards his sister with the self satisfied smirk that let Dee know he was doing his best to irritate her and thought he was succeeding.

"I hate you" said Dee before she walked back away from him and went back to decorating the bar.

Dennis's smirk only grew larger as Dee moved away from him. With his sister no longer willing to speak to him, Dennis turned his attention back to the bar but was interrupted by the ringing of his phone which he dug out of his pocket and answered.

"Yo, Mac what goin on? Wait what? How did all three of you… No we're not going to bail you guys out! Why not? Come on Mac you and I both know I'm not going anywhere near the cops" Dennis answered as if his friends request to help was more ridiculous than the fact that he was wanted by the Philadelphia Police Department.

"Yeah well I'm not going to help you idiots. Enjoy the free prostate exam when they move you guys to county.

Dennis hung up and pocketed his phone before he addressed his sister. "Hey Dee."

"What" Dee answered with obvious annoyance in her voice.

Dennis strolled over to her and spoke in a jovial voice, showing how unfazed he was by Dee's anger. "Mac called and said that he, Charlie, and Frank are all in a holding cell in some police station."

Like a switch had been thrown Dee's anger disappeared as she began to laugh at the predicament her supposed friends were in. "What did they do?"

Dennis shrugged as he said "I didn't ask because I don't give a shit."

**Sunny**

Mac smiled as he was lead away from the pay phone he was used for his one phone call and was shoved back into the holding cell where Frank and Charlie were being held.

"It worked" said Mac as he sat on the decrepit bench Charlie and Frank were using."They really think were in jail."

"Uh, dude we are in jail" Charlie replied.

"Yeah, but they don't know were in here on purpose."

**Dennis and Dee's Birthday**

Frank, Mac, and Charlie sat in the prison cell with roughly ten other men. The odd assemblage of men included the types of guys people envision standing on corners when they hear the term drug dealer and a homeless man with the uncontrollable shakes and near constant vomiting that came from alcohol withdrawal. The three friends watched as the hobo stumbled towards the corner on shaky legs and threw up all over the floor which made the smell of bile pervasive.

"This is pretty gross guys" said Charlie as he watched the homeless man wretch endlessly.

"It's still worth it" replied Frank. "I couldn't take another one of their birthday performances or whatever the hell they call it. I don't care if it's in a bar; there ain't enough booze in the world to make me stay.

"He's right man" Mac agreed. "All the weird pageantry, the way they schedule everything down to the last second. It's like their two shitty failed actors that want to take advantage of a captive audience. Well actually I guess Dee really is a shitty failed actress."

"And the duets dude" Charlie started, getting into the same spirit of his friends. "Do you remember last year? They sang duets for three hours straight!"

"You know there's gonna be a big fight between them too" said Frank.

"Oh my God dude" Charlie and Mac replied in unison.

"I can't believe that Dee went after him with a broken beer bottle last year. I still haven't got all the blood stains off the bar." Charlie whined. "If they plan it out every year then why do they still end up attacking each other?"

"I think it's because they agree not to buy each other gifts every year but they're both so self absorbed that they feel offended that the other one didn't buy them anything." Mac answered. "I know this plan sounded crazy guys but between the horrible pageantry and the possibility that we could end up being witnesses in a murder trial, we needed an escape plan with a shady McCoy level of elusiveness."

"I just hope we get out of here when we need to" said Frank. "I don't want to be the victim of some weird prison people."

"Hey come on Frank, you can't just assume everyone in here is a creepy weirdo."

"Yeah" said Mac in support of Charlie. "For all we know their guys just like us who got arrested on purpose to dodge their social commitments."

* * *

References and Phillyisms

Shady McCoy is the nickname of the Eagles running back LeSean McCoy.


	2. Old Time Hockey

"Well this sucks"

Dennis looked next to his left where his twin sister was seated at the bar with an empty seat between them.

"I know Dee" he said in between sips Yuengling. "A year's worth of planning wasted all because of you."

"Me, what did I do?"

"Well when people hear the Reynolds twins they expect us to meet a high threshold of shared beauty, which clearly I meet and exceed; but you Dee when people take a look at you they can't help but be disappointed. That's got to be reason no one ever comes to our party.

"Yeah it couldn't be that you're an obnoxious asshole." Dee replied with thick sarcasm.

"It doesn't help that you're a terrible singer either Dee."

"What, do you remember the Night Man Cometh? My character was a fucking pedophile and people still loved me. All those people were cheering at the end."

"No Dee they were cheering for me. You see people love the story of a disadvantaged upper class white man who overcame being a victim and became a hero that fights injustice."

In response Dee could do nothing but shake her head in disbelief before she began to drink all the alcohol she could get her hands on, which was quite a bit since she was inside a bar. Dennis very quickly fell into the same pattern even though it was only minutes after noon.

**Sunny**

"I know what you mean; it's not even a real hockey game unless there's a fight."

"I gotta agree" said one man who had approached Mac and Charlie when they had begun to discuss their favorite Flyers games, which for the gang meant the hockey club's most notoriously violent moments. The stranger unlike the rest of the men in the holding cell had a suave look to him, thanks to a tailored grey suit and closely cut hair.

"Hell you're not even a real hockey player if you don't have dentures by your early twenties."

"Just like Couturier" said Mac to the man in the suit.

Unlike Mac and Charlie, Frank remained quiet while he looked across the holding cell at another incarcerated man suspiciously. Taking a break from the conversation Charlie turned towards Frank. "See Frank we told you not everyone in here is crazy. This guy is cool."

"I still don't trust prison people Charlie. That guy over there is staring at me like he wants to punch me in the face."

"Whatever man, your just being crazy" said Charlie before he rejoined the hockey conversation.

"Remember when they used to have bench clearing brawls in hockey" asked the stranger.

"Those were those days dude" answered Mac. "The games would just stop because both teams wanted to beat the shit out of each other."

The trio continued to discus hockey until two Philly cops came up to the outside of the cell and called out "Gary Roberts"

The man that had been speaking with Mac and Charlie suddenly stood up and said "That's me guys, I gotta go" in an inappropriately upbeat voice.

"What are you in for man" asked Mac.

Gary turned his head to look at Charlie and Mac while he extended his hands through an opening in the prison bars so the cops could place cuffs on his wrists. "Armed robbery" he replied in the same cheerful tone.

"That sucks dude, I hope they don't lock you up for too long. Armed robbery is kinda badass."

"It is, isn't it?" said Gary as he was lead away by the cops. "Anyway, don't worry about it guys, I have a really good lawyer, so I'll probably be out on the streets in a few hours."

"He seem like a nice guy"

"Oh, totally dude" Charlie said in response. "Frank doesn't know what he's talking about. All the guys in here with us are great people."

Within seconds of Charlie speaking, the man that Frank had been staring down strode across the cell and punched Frank on the nose hard enough to make it bleed profusely. Having witnessed the attack Mac commented "OK maybe prison people are hit and miss."

* * *

References and Phillyisms

Yuengling Lager is a brand of beer that's brewed in Pennsylvania and is basically inescapable in the Delaware Valley.

Sean Couturier is a player for the Flyers that at the age of twenty one is already missing all of his front teeth. I imagine that Dentists love hockey players.


	3. Airport Incident

At some point in between the numerous bathroom trips that heavy drinking necessitated, Dennis and Dee had wound up sitting in barstools directly next to each other. The buffer zone that the twins liked to maintain when they were at each other throats had either been forgotten or discarded as the two alcoholics began to feel the undeserved euphoria and openness to human contact that alcohol caused.

"I can't believe those guys! How could all three of them get arrested today? It's like they planned it or something."

Dee nodded her head in agreement while her brother went on a drunken rant about how their friends had ruined the annual event their birthday had become. While she agreed with what Dennis was saying and shared his disappointment with the actions of her friends, Dee's anger and disappointment also extended towards Dennis. Today was supposed to be all about them and all Dennis could think about was how their friends had bailed on them and how the city didn't understand how brilliant he was. It wasn't as if she didn't understand how he felt, Dee wholeheartedly believed that she was a talented actress and an even better singer that her friends should feel privileged to see perform, but all the same she would have liked to have gone through with their plans anyway.

Dee had endured more than a few years where her only pleasant memories were getting drunk with her brother and singing Karaoke with him till their friends got bored and left. In that short time they were on stage together Dee got too pretend that she had a normal brother and that didn't constantly try to control her, insult her and pull boys club crap with the rest of the gang.

Dee kept on drinking while Dennis's rant continued on, she knew that her brother liked to talk and being around him every day she had heard no shortage of speeches about how great he thought he was and how he was God's gift to the female gender. It could get even worse when he was drunk and Dee raked her mind for a way to get him to shut up. Rather abruptly Dee got up from her bar stool and turned on the radio that was connected to the sound system they had prepared for their birthday event, in the hope that the music would drown out or at least hint to Dennis that she didn't want to hear him speak anymore. Her plan didn't have the intended effect since as soon as Dee sat back down next to him; Dennis began to speak again only louder so that he could be heard over the music. Dee laid her head against the bar in disgust and frustration as her brothers ranting continued on, oblivious or perhaps egged on by her obvious annoyance. There had to be a way to shut him up and get Dennis to do what she wanted, Dee's drunken thoughts wondered aimlessly till she came up with a surefire way to shut him up, there was a down side to her plan though, it would involve bringing up an incident between them they both refused to acknowledge ever happened.

The memory of Dennis chasing her down on the airport runway was one Dee had down her best to forget in the months since. Partly because having her own brother tell her he was romantically interested in her was incredibly awkward but also because of the reaction it has caused in her. The way her heart had begun to flutter when he ran to her with a desperate and sad look in his eyes or how she had felt her eyes start to tear up when he said that he loved her for the first time in his whole life. At that moment she felt a torrent of mixed emotions, part of her that rejected reason wanted to take her brother with her but a colder more logical piece of her won out. It helped that she was already mad at him for the way he had treated her supposed rise to fame, unlike the rest of the guys, Dennis had never shown her any support so when he came to her then at the airport, it was easy for her to believe that Dennis was just trying to leach off of her fame and success. This made it simple for Dee to kick her brother in the face and leave him sprawled out on the Tarmac. As the plane took off and flew Dee to what she thought would be Los Angeles her heart refused to slow down and her stomach was in knots. She wanted to believe that she was nervous to perform on Conan, but Dee knew that wasn't entirely true, what Dennis had said was still affecting her.

Back in Paddy's, Dee's whiskey and Lager afflicted mind came to an epiphany. As awkward and weird as the airport confrontation had been for her, it had to be a thousand times worse for Dennis, the guy with an ego so big he refused to even acknowledge the idea that a woman could reject him even if she was his sister. For the first time in a long time Dee had something to use against her brother.

"Hey Dennis do you remember when you thought that I was going to L.A and you tried to stop me?"

The rant came to an abrupt stop and Dennis looked at Dee with an uncharacteristically nervous expression on his face. "Dee do you really want to talk about that" he asked as if there was nothing to discuss. Dennis stood up and said "Come on let's do something" in an obvious attempt to change the subject.

Dee followed after Dennis as he fumbled towards the stage with mixed emotions. Dee was pleased that her plan had worked so well, she had gotten him to shut up and do something but at the same time she felt disappointed that Dennis had dodged the question. For reasons that she really didn't want to put any significant thought into, Dee now wanted Dennis to try and explain why he had done it.

Before he could make it to the stage Dennis tripped over himself, much to the delight of his sister who began to laugh at him. Dennis looked at Dee with anger in his eyes, even when he was drunk he was too vain to ever enjoy being the target of laughter. Dee understood how her brother felt but kept on laughing anyway, she so rarely got to insult him or lord anything over Dennis like the way he did to her so often; and she decided then and there to use this opportunity to get back at him.

The best way to do that was to bring up the airport incident again, it had been a little awkward when she had brought it up before but Dee was drunk enough to not really care plus Dennis clearly felt worse about it than she did which made sense since he was the one who had made the confession, disingenuous or otherwise.

"I didn't know the perfect guy for me was such a clumsy drunk."

"What" Dennis asked in confusion as he stood up from Paddy's filthy floor.

"Before I got in that plane you said you were the perfect match for me."

"Christ Dee not this again" said Dennis as he turned around and headed back to the bar, seemingly haven given up on his plans. As he walked past her, Dee saw the same nervous and worried expression on him that she had seen earlier and felt a feeling of triumph for finally putting her brother in an embarrassing situation. Not willing to let up her attack Dee followed Dennis back to the bar where he sat down again while Dee chose to stand a few feet behind her brother just to be more annoying while she taunted him.

"I guess you were lying, but I get it. You needed some kind of excuse so you could leach off of your more talented and successful sister."

Dennis turned to face her with a visible rage on his face and Dee couldn't help but grin in response, she knew he was way to full of himself to let that statement go.

"Just shut the hell up Dee, you don't know what you're talking about!"

After laughing in his face for a few seconds Dee spoke again "Then you really are in love with your sister."

In response Dennis got off of his bar stool and strode towards his sister with angry and determined steps that drew sharp contrast to his earlier drunken stumbling. As he made his way towards her Dee wondered if she had pushed her less than mentally stable brother too far. Stopping just inches in front of her, Dennis wrapped an arm around Dee's waist and pulled her against him causing Dee to gasp in surprise. This was a part of her brother that Dee knew existed but had never experienced herself. For a short time the twins looked each other in the eyes but as Dee felt her brother's hands move down her body she whispered his name in longing before Dennis pressed forward and crushed his lips against Dee's in a hungry kiss.


	4. Gary The Thief

Gary whistled happily as he walked the streets of Philadelphia again, he had a few chores that would have to be taken care of before he could fully enjoy his freedom, but was in too good of a move to care. His first task was to retrieve the pistol he had stashed behind a dumpster in the alley by some shitty little dive bar called Paddy's Pub. Earlier in the day he had been fleeing from the police and had decided to hide his weapon there before he surrendered to the police.

As he had hoped Gary found the gun where he had left it and tucked it into his waistband. Gary left the alley and headed back the way he had come, which brought him past the front entrance of the bar. Gary had planned on leaving the bar behind him but as he moved past the door he heard a female voice inside start screaming, the feminine voice was soon joined by a male one and as Gary listened to the two voices argue he became certain that he was hearing the slurred speech of drunken lovers arguing.

"I can't believe that your saying I'm desperate! You had both of your hands on my ass while you shoved your tongue down my throat!"

"Yeah, well you didn't do anything to stop me and your kept brining up the whole thing at the airport."

"I was just screwing with you."

"More like just trying to screw me" the male voice countered as if he had just made the funniest joke ever.

"Oh my God, you do not get to kiss me like that and then pretend like it was something that I did." The latest outburst was followed by the sound of breaking glass.

"Fuck Dee, again with the beer bottle!"

It sounded like an ugly scene inside but to Gary it sounded like an opportunity. Two pass out drunk lovers too busy arguing with each other, would be unlikely to offer much resistance let alone remember his face. Gary reached for the front door of Paddy's to find it unlocked and began to open it slowly so that he could peek into the bar. Inside he saw what he had been hoping for, the only people inside were the arguing couple. With his mind made up, Gary flung the door open and stepped inside, the couple appeared oblivious to his presence as he watched a tall blonde woman advance towards a man with a broken beer bottle in her hand. Eventually the man took notice of Gary and spoke to him.

"Hey buddy, were closed today."

Gary looked towards him and just said "That doesn't matter."

A tense silence took over the bar until the woman turned to face Gary and yelled "Listen, were not serving anyone today so just get the fuck out of here."

In response Gary took a few steps forward and said "I don't think you guys understand why I'm here" as he brushed his suit jacket open and exposed the pistol in his waistband.

"What are you going to rob us?" asked the man is disbelief.

"That was my intention."

"Uh take a look around this place. Does it look like we have that much money here?"

"No, but I need what I can get and if it wasn't you guys, it would be the Wawa around here which has security cameras, or the deli down the street that makes good hoagies. So I'm sorry guys but I'm robbing your shitty bar."

The tense silence returned as the man and the woman stared at Gary with an intense disdain that made them look remarkably similar. Gary did his best to ignore the tension and stepped forward before he said "So are you two love birds going to empty the register for me or…" before Gary could even finish his sentence the blonde woman threw the broken beer bottle at him which he tired to dodge unsuccessfully. The jagged edge collided with his face leaving a large gash along his left cheek and made him yelp in pain as he clutched his face. All too late he realized that he should have reached for his gun instead as the couple rushed him. All Gary could do was utter a "Uh oh" before he felt a fist smash into his jaw.

**Sunny**

"All right, John Rambo versus Rocky Balboa, who wins?"

"Well I gotta go with Rocky because…hey wait isn't that the guy that was in here with us before" Charlie pointed towards a man in a grey suit who was being lead back into the holding cell.

"Yeah, I think so" answered Mac.

Gary the thief moved through the cell and sat on a bench across from the gang before he flashed them a smile that showed one of his bottom front teeth had been knocked out.

"You just got out of here man what happened?"

"I tried to rob this shitty bar, but some really tall blonde chick and her boyfriend stopped me. It was kinda like being attacked by a female Larry Bird."

Mac and Charlie exchanged puzzled looks and Frank just muttered"Huh."

* * *

References and Phillyisms

Wawa is a chain of convenience stores that are centered in the Philly area. The gang makes references to Wawa in a few episode which I always thought must be confusing to anyone not from the Northeast.

A Hoagie is the Philly area name for a deli sandwich that is more commonly know as a sub or hero in rest of the country. As you would expect I like the sandwich.

* * *

I sort of want to end the story here but I have an idea for one more chapter, I'll consider writing it if anyone is interested.


End file.
